Sunday, October 30, 2011

A Sudden Reminder

A small pang of sadness this weekend as a calendar reminder popped up on my phone for October 30:

"Due Date"

Nearly nine months ago I wrote the following post, which I held off publishing until we were ready to share the exciting news with the world. Seven days later the story had already ended and the unpublished post languished in my "drafts" folder:

February 22, 2011 - "A Big, Big Surprise"

You might be surprised, but nobody is more surprised than me.

R went to a natureopath for a consultation last week and was recommended several supplements to help improve her general health and her energy levels -- including an B12 injection. The natureopath said that she should come back for another shot when she feels it wearing off. She wondered how she would know if it had worn off, but she was told it would be pretty apparent from her energy levels.

Well, for the last week she has felt more drained than normal, making her wonder if the B12 was having the opposite effect. Then last night we took some stuff up to the attic for storage. Some boxes with picture frames, some maternity clothes that R's sister borrowed -- just stuff. Something about those boxes made her start counting days and wonder about the calendar: 30 days. Hm, a bit late.

Today came and went and she realized she was several days later than usual and she started to get anxious. Various ideas flashed through her head throughout the day as she considered the possibility. Finally, when evening came and the kids were in bed she shared her suspicions with me. 15 minutes later I was back from the drug store with a home pregnancy test kit.

What?! Pregnant?! Us?! I thought this wasn't even possible! How is this possible?! This is fabulous news, but how is this possible?! Amazing!

You know, we always joked that we might have a surprise baby, but we didn't think it would happen so soon! We suspect it is probably because of the gluten-free diet. Either way, this news is more than I expected on a Tuesday evening. I thought I might eat a snack and watch some TV. Wow. Totally shocked. It's so weird that we didn't have so much time to anticipate the news. It's a very different experience, this "surprise" stuff.

For the record, I'm predicting a girl.

We spent the evening talking about how our life was going to change. We had just sold our Jeep and bought a different car with the assumption that we'd likely not expand beyond a family of four. We started mentally reconfiguring the rooms of our house to fit in another bed -- and thoughts went to possibly moving those beds to an altogether different house. The next morning, Katie took her first steps and things were pretty exciting. Alongside the puzzled jubilation were concerns about R's health. The latest pregnancy had been pretty tough on her and we were working with a natureopath to try to improve her overall health -- another pregnancy so soon was going to mean more destabilization before we could really make any progress. Still, we realized the huge miracle that this sudden pregnancy represented and we mostly just looked forward to the future.

Eight days later, on the morning of March 2, R sent an email out to the family with the sad news:

Hello family,
Just wanted to let everyone know that I had a miscarriage last night. I'm glad that we told all of you the exciting news [last week] so that we don't just have to tell you the bad. Obviously, I have torn emotions about this. Half of me is a relieved and the other half is a little sad. At least we didn't have to go through fertility treatments this time and the miscarriage happened early. I think that will make it easier to cope with. I'm already feeling a lot better today. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Love, R

Just as quickly as it began, it was over. We were definitely sad, although there was a bit of relief that we could work on R's health a bit more. Significantly, we felt a lot of uncertainty. Previously, we had felt pretty certain that our chances of having another child were near zero, and we had accepted that reality and had started moving forward with our lives. Suddenly, we had this new possibility thrust upon us and we still have no idea whether it might happen again.

Honestly, I haven't spent that much time thinking about it the last few months, until suddenly the notifications popped up. In addition to the official Oct 30 due date, I had one labeled "likely delivery date" set for Oct 17th, since we have been two weeks early both times. Seeing those reminders this month brought back thoughts from this original posting, thoughts of gratitude for our two cute kids, and thoughts of wonder:

What will the future hold for us?

1 comment:

margo said...

what a beautiful post...thank you for sharing D.