The Primary Concern

Amid the elation and the optimism a worry lingers: a miscarriage.
We have dealt with disappointment every month for nearly 4 years, but we have never been this close. We have never been this optimistic. After bracing ourselves for bad news so frequently, it was difficult to become completely convinced that this was a real pregnancy. R was particularly guarded. But each passing day rachets our hopes a little higher, and withholding the news from others is like putting a lid on a pot of water on the stove -- it boils over even faster. It will be a great relief to finally get some more information.

The lab technician told us that R is producing "pregnant" hormones. We have additional observable evidence to suggest she's pregnant. That's it. That's all we know. We don't know if there's just one baby growing in there, or if there's three, or if the baby is really growing at all. R felt a bit of a cramp earlier today and she couldn't help but wonder. The stats say 15-20 percent of pregnancies end in the first 20 weeks. What's that, 1 in 5? 1 in 6? I had no idea it was so high. Of course, we've been blessed to get this far, so we are very optimistic about our chances. In fact, we are pretty much certain about our chances, and that's why we're so elated. We certainly don't spend much of our time worrying. We spend most of our time walking around starry-eyed, dreaming about the future.

In general, R has been feeling pretty well. Still no morning sickness. She was telling me that only half of all women get morning sickness, but the ones who do get it, often get it really bad. Instead, she's had fatigue and some headaches. Food has continued to be the best remedy for her ills, but that could change. No crazy food cravings or dislikes yet, but R was already pretty iffy about foods. I can eat the same thing every day for long periods of time. University is a perfect example (I ate tuna for breakfast, pasta from the pot for lunch and something easy for dinner). She needs a time buffer between recurrences of all her foods. Some foods (like pizza bagels) have a short time buffer (a week), others (like spaghetti) have longer buffers (two months). Some buffers are so large that we still haven't lived long enough to measure them (sushi).

The buffers represent a minimum waiting period. If you don't wait this bare minimum, the buffer grows longer the next time, sometimes doubling or tripling. If you're not careful, you can easily push a food into the immeasurable category. The bottom line: pregancy is going to mess with the buffers, and nobody knows where they're going to end up.

One more week until the ultrasound.